Cheap-oh Chuck, The Bargain Bonehead

by Seth Lutnick

What happened to Chuck, even though it was his own fault, is still sad. You see, Chuck is a worshiper at the throne of Cheapness. He just loves cheap plastic goods and stays up late watching those TV commercials selling amazing gadgets that can do anything. He was thrilled to get the Cutters Brain Surgery Kit for just $29.95. Although he claims he hasn't tried it yet. (Some people who know him think he has -- on himself -- with disturbing results).

Chuck used to shop exclusively at the one dollar store. He was very proud of his bargain hunting prowess. "Those hi-falutin department stores are thieves," opines Chuck. "There is no reason why anything should cost more than a buck. That's all I pay." Yes, Chuck has a strong disdain for top-notch shopping chains, such as you-no-who-Mart. "Only for spoiled rich idiots," he says.

But Chuck does have some standards. He will not shop at a secondhand store. Why? As he explains, "I insist on quality." So he only goes to the Everything for One Dollar stores. That makes sense, right?

The Unbelievable Internet, Really

Now the Internet truly transformed Chuck's life, but not always in good ways. You see, Chuck believed that if it was on the Web, it must be a bargain. He heard the phrase "Internet discount", and thinks it refers to every web site that sells anything. If it's in Internet Explorer, it must be a steal!.

Chuck was very innocent.

So Chuck found great sites, such as Jack's Junkyard.con, Cheap Cr.ap, and Boy Are You.dum. The last site had particular misfortune for Chuck, for there he bought the blowtorch that killed his mother-in-law. He told her it was a hair blow dryer. He told her it was a one dollar bargain. He told her, sadly correctly, that it worked instantaneously.

And he told the police a different story.

They Stole Our Credit Card and Gave Us a Virus

Now we all know the value of user reviews before buying on the net. If actual people write bad things about a dealer, the careful among us would beware. But not Chuck.

Chuck believed that the more venomous the feedback, the better the dealer must be. He actually looked for dealers accused of selling junk, cheating customers, providing no support, and so forth. These dealers must be the absolute best, he felt. Yes, the absolute best. You read that correctly. And to Chuck, it makes perfect sense. "They're jealous," says Chuck. "The natural human way of resolving residual low self-esteem issues that develops during early childhood is to denigrate and discard the exceptional accomplishments of rivals..." at this point in Chuck's lecture I fell asleep. Chuck had taken one college psychology course too many.

Phish In The Net

Another thing we all understand is to be very careful with our private information. In this, Chuck was very diligent. That's why he paid special attention to e-mails from "The Pay Pal Team" suggesting he log into his account and update his information. Those nice "Pay Pal" people were considerate enough to send him a customized link to the log in form. Chuck wouldn't have to type Pay Pal's address into the browser. Wasn't that helpful?

It's too bad no one was there to tell Chuck that Pay Pal -- the REAL Pay Pal -- never sends these e-mails. This is something called phishing, and it's the way thieves get people's money. Poor Chuck. At least he was trying.

Unsolicited Email Marketing, AKA You-Know-What

Much of Chuck's shopping is through spam. "The greatest offers!" he explains. "These are very responsible dealers. They don't waste money on fancy web sites and mailings. This costs them nothing, so they pass the savings on to me!"

Does the fact that spam is a crime bother him?

"Not at all. These good folks are taking risks to get me the pharmaceuticals, stock tips, software and whatever else I need at discount prices. It's only outlawed because the big overcharging chains, such as ends-with-zon.com are trying to keep control." For Chuck, shopping from spammers is a duty. "These guys are heroes, real heroes." Chuck gets all misty eyed. I'm having trouble controlling myself as well.

That Little Letter "S."

But Chuck 's world crashed when he found the most amazing deal ever. Your-Car-Cheap-for-a-Buck.haha. Chuck could find super cheap cars by paying one -- yes, only one -- dollar to join this unbelievable web site. And, truth be told, the claim was absolutely accurate. Accurate, but not quite as Chuck imagined.

You see, Chuck didn't require secure Web order forms when giving his credit card. He didn't insist on an "https" at the beginning of the address. That "s" after the http indicates a secure Web form, to protect against hackers stealing credit card information. Careful shoppers only submit credit card information on a secure form.

But Chuck is not careful shoppers. It did not bother him when the web site claimed that in order to process the dollar membership, they needed to put his credit card details on the web page for a few minutes. The people at the site didn't rely on e-mail forms, so they wanted to write it by hand. "Responsible," thought Chuck. And so his every detail about his finances, address, card and Social Security numbers, were displayed on the World Wide Web.

A week later, Chuck was enjoying a deluxe luxury cruise in the Caribbean.

Only it wasn't Chuck.

The people who stole his identity did so thoroughly enough to fool the credit card company. And they kept living it up.. He fell into such debt that the bank foreclosed on his car and sold it at auction prices.

The only thing Chuck had left was his membership in Your-Car-Cheap-For-a-Buck.haha. Imagine how he felt when he saw the next car for sale cheap -- and it was his. Ouch. Well, that web site did live up to its promise.

The Moral of the Story

Yes, there are great savings to be found on the Internet. There are bargains and coupons that are fantastic. Remember, though, that the Internet is just another form of publicizing. It doesn't change the content. The same varieties of better and worse dealers, honest and suspect merchants is out there. By patronizing reputable online stores, reading user reviews, never entering credit card information on an unsecured form or responding to a fraudulent Pay Pal, bank or other e-mails, you can shop safely and confidently.

There is so much amazing savings available online. The Internet gives you search capabilities never before available. Use them wisely, frequently, and successfully!